i can't believe i had my finger in that
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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