I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
