High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
