How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
