just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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