he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
