"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just made out with a guy for $7.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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