wanna go halves on a baby?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
