Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
