I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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