Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The air was thick with penises
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
