he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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