Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
