i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You smell like stripper and shame
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
