There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
