He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
