On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
