What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
