if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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