just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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