I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
