Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
