Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
