In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
