I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
