he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
