After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
