You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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