apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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