I didn't shave. On purpose
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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