I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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