i think my tv is drunk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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