Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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