did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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