I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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