so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
