So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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