I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
