Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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