Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
