I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
