i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
the raccoons are back...
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