I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
