i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
