I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
