I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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