ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
