Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
