she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
