Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
