I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
