Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
