Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
