1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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