All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
