running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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