I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
